Hallelujah
by JRoseMcM
Summary: An angsty Remus/Sirius songfic set to the beautiful "Hallelujah." During OotP with flashbacks. The heavy and solid chasm that separated the present from the past may be uncrossable, but that doesn't stop Sirius from remembering. I might add to this story.
1. Music and Snow

AN: This is probably my favorite fanfic I've written so far. I have more chapters in mind, but I'm not sure if they're worth writing. Tell me what you think. (I'm not fishing for compliments; I want your honest opinion.) Sorry if the flashbacks are confusing, but here's the deal: regular font is present, italic is flashback, and bold italic are the song lyrics. It's such a beautiful and poignant song, I had to do a songfic to it.

Pairing: Remus/Sirius

Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to JKR. The song "Hallelujah" belongs to Leonard Cohen.

Rating: T for now. We'll see in later chapters. (If I write them.)

Takes Place: Mid-OotP in Grimmauld Place, with various flashbacks

Warning: Romantic relationship between two males.

POV: Sirius

Feedback: Is greatly appreciated

_**Hallelujah…**_

Sirius stared out of the cold bright glass. A soft snow was coating everything outside, drifting so peacefully one might think nothing bad had ever happened.

One would be wrong.

The pureness of the snow messed with Sirius's mind. It seemed that it could blur, or even erase, the heavy and solid chasm that separated the present from the past. It made him remember another time that it had snowed like that.

"_It's called a piano."_

He closed his eyes as the details of that day filled his mind. He'd had no idea what was what.

"_What's a pee-no?"_

_Remus chuckled, maybe to hide his blush. _

"_It's pronounced pee-an-oh, actually. And it's a musical instrument."_

"_What's that?" Sirius asked, unashamed of his ignorance. Remus always explained things patiently and sweetly to him. He wouldn't ever judge him for not understanding Muggle things- or anything, for that matter. There was an infinity of things Remus didn't understand, he'd told Sirius once. Sirius sincerely doubted that, but he'd just nodded. _

"_Well, Muggles use it to make music. You press your fingers on the keys and certain sounds come out."_

_Sirius said, "Wicked! Can you play it?"_

_Remus blushed again. "Well, I took lessons when I was younger. But I'm rubbish now."_

"_Play me something?" But Remus just shook his head. _

"_Fine, can I try?"_

_Sirius sat on the little bench. He pushed down a key, and much to his surprise, a little peal of sound rang out. Remus smiled pleasantly at Sirius's flabbergasted expression. _

"_Here, I'll show you." Remus sat on the bench next to Sirius, their knees just barely touching. Sirius felt a little shiver run up his arm as Remus entwined his hand in Sirius's. He pushed his fingers gently onto some keys. Sirius noted how his palms were impossibly soft, despite some calluses from his transformations. _

_**I've heard there was a secret chord**_

_**That David played and it pleased the Lord**_

"_That's a G natural," Remus said, his breath on Sirius's ear. "When you play certain notes together, that's called a chord. There are some chords that sound really nice when put together-" _

"_Mhmmm," Sirius murmured, a little lightheaded. Remus smelled a bit like the snow falling outside might smell: soft, mysterious, and a little sweet. Their torsos were touching now. _

_**But you don't really care for music, do you?**_

"_It's- it's okay if you're not interested," said Remus, a trace of hurt in his voice. "I know you're not that into music-"_

"_No!" Sirius cried, not wanting to hurt Remus in any way. "No. I-I want to hear the chords."_

_Remus tried to hide a smile. "Oh. Okay then, well, let's see if I can remember this…"_

_**It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth**_

_Humming under his breath, Remus moved Sirius's hands to different spots on the keyboard. A short melody started to build, and Sirius realized that Remus was right, as usual. It was a beautiful sound._

_But it could have sounded like chain saws for all Sirius cared. He would still smile a little every time he thought of the dusty old piano after that day. _

_**The minor fall, the major lift**_

_It might have been his imagination, but it seemed to Sirius that Remus was slowing the melody down, as if to…could it be?... prolong the song? Prolong this moment?_

_Probably wishful thinking._

_**The baffled king composing hallelujah**_

_Finally, the song ended. Reluctantly, they pulled away. Remus busied himself with something or other while Sirius stared at his hands, ears burning. _

_**Hallelujah **_

"Hey, Remus," Sirius said softly as the man walked by. "Can you…talk…for a minute?"

"Sure," said Remus distractedly.

"Do you…remember that time…when I came to you house and we—you—played that song on your piano?"

Remus's breath caught in his throat.

"No," he said sharply. "I don't remember that."

_**Hallelujah**_

"Are you—really? You know, in fifth year, Christmas break, when I stayed at your house?"

"That was a long time ago. Besides, that piano was a piece of junk. I never really learned to play anyway."

"But—it sounded so nice. What you played." Sirius said, almost begging.

_**Hallelujah **_

"Maybe to you. But trust me, it was just a bunch of random chords. Didn't mean anything. Now I—I have to go," he muttered. Remus turned and left the room briskly.

Sirius looked up from his hands, out the window. The snow was still falling. He pulled the shade and turned his back.

_**Hallelujah… **_


	2. Incapacitated

Hallelujah Chapter 2

AN: Ok, so I finally wrote Chapter 2. I'm not sure if I like it as much as Chapter 1, but… oh well. I wanted to say thank you to all the reviewers—it feels amazingly awesome to see that little message in my inbox! And don't be afraid to give me constructive criticism—I appreciate it. So. I'm sorry if this chapter is extremely convoluted and confusing, what with the flashbacks, lyrics, and thoughts. For reference—

Normal typepresent

_Italics past (normal type within italics is meant to emphasize something)_

_**Bold italicslyrics**_

'Single quotes'-thoughts

"Double Quotes" talking.

Also, the lyrics don't match up as much as they did before—here "you" is Sirius and "she/her" is Remus (I know, whatever.) But I tried to extract the general meaning from the verses. So I'm still not absolutely sure if I will be able to finish this fic using all the verses. I guess it depends on reviews. Ok, enough intro—on with the fic!

Pairing: Remus/Sirius

Disclaimer: _Harry Potter_ belongs to JKR. The song "Hallelujah" belongs to Leonard Cohen. Also, the phrase "years of things unsaid and now unsayable" is from the Annie Proulx short story "Brokeback Mountain." (Great story and movie!) The complete sentence is: "Like vast clouds of steam from thermal springs in winter the years of things unsaid and now unsayable — admissions, declarations, shames, guilts, fears — rose around them." Also, the part where it says "Remus fucking Lupin" is semi-inspired by the phrase "Jack fucking Twist", also from "Brokeback Mountain."

Rating: T for now.

Takes Place: Mid-OotP in Grimmauld Place, with various flashbacks

Warning: Romantic relationship between two males. Some language.

POV: Sirius

Feedback: Is greatly appreciated

Sirius enjoyed the holidays, despite the fact that everything seemed as bitter as ever, but with more people. He enjoyed having other people actually living there, despite the fact that they were mostly moody and hormonal teenagers. Despite the fact that his godson was the most troubled of all, and for good reason, from what Sirius could figure out. Despite all that, Sirius enjoyed the holidays.

But December ended, and with it, the hubbub of having people actually around. December ended, and with it, the frequent snowfall. The January weather seemed to perfectly mirror Sirius's mood. It drizzled almost constantly, or a nasty grey sky hung over the dim, cold mansion. The fluffy white snow that he had reveled in in December quickly became a grayish and dirty slush, not the same slow at all but something completely different.

Meanwhile, Remus Lupin—'and since when do I call him by his full name?'—visited every few days on Order business. He would chat with Sirius, but their conversations were dull and inane. Sirius sometimes wondered if this was the same Remus he had known all those years ago. There was a time, back then, when Sirius had intuitively understood Remus—his moods, his thoughts, his motivations.

Well, for the most part.

Now he could barely recognize him.

But back then… oh my god.

_**Your faith was strong but you needed proof**_

_Sirius often thought kissing Remus would be better than kissing any girl. He suspected Remus would taste like something sweet and unexpected. He thought that if that actually happened—not that it would because Sirius was _not thinking about it_— Sirius might become a little lightheaded. And he was absolutely sure Remus would be a good kisser, gentle, a little shy, but still passionate. _

_Sirius was good at predicting things, especially when it came to Remus. What mood he'd be in, how he'd react to something. So it seemed logical that Sirius's predictions about kissing Remus must be true. Still, he couldn't know for sure, not unless…_

'_Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it…'_

_That had been his mantra for a while now, ever since the meaning of That Time With the Piano During Winter Break, and certain moments preceding and proceeding it—or rather, the meaning of Sirius's own emotions regarding those times—had really sunk in. That had been some time around March._

_Now it was September, the beginning of sixth year, and those goddamn _thoughts _that he had hoped would dissipate over the summer had done nothing of the sort. On the contrary, they seemed to have intensified, which is which Sirius was almost constantly repeating his mantra:_

'_Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it…'_

_Too bad it wasn't working._

_**You saw her bathing on the roof**_

'_Oh, my god. Bloody hell. Look at him, sitting there…like that…I think I'm going insane.'_

_As Remus reclined in an armchair in the Gryffindor common room, Sirius found himself completely at a loss. When the hell had this happened?_

_**Her beauty in the moonlight overthrew you**_

_The light from the fire danced across the werewolf's brows, creating tiny eyelash shadows on the delicate skin below his closed eyes. And really, with his lips just slightly open and fueling all of Sirius's theories and fantasies, was it really fair to expect Sirius to keep his ever-evasive cool when—_

"_Why are you staring at me like that?"_

'_Shit, not good. Okay, form a coherent sentence. Do it!'_

"_Uhm ehh--" _

_Remus was suddenly at Sirius's chair, in his face, way too close, NOT GOOD…_

_**She tied you to a kitchen chair**_

"_Why've you been acting so strangely?" Remus demanded, and that simply wasn't fair to ask while so bloody close that Sirius could smell his skin, which, by the way, still smelled sweet like snow—_

"_Padfoot? You've been avoiding me, and looking at me oddly…what's going on?"_

_And there he was, pressed up against the arms of Sirius's chair, staring Sirius down, trapping him in, oh my god—_

_**She broke your throne, she cut your hair**_

"_Tell me." Remus uttered quietly. And with those two short syllables, Sirius felt all his self-control, all the careful strategies and walls he had built up in the past six months—maybe longer—he felt it all break._

_**And from your lips she drew the hallelujah**_

"_Well—I mean, I'm kind of completely in love with you, you know?" It came rushing out, a stream of words long waiting to be said._

_**Hallelujah**_

_Silence for an excruciatingly long time, and then—_

"_Oh." Remus didn't say the word as much as mouth it enough to move the air in the three inches of space between their faces. Wait, make that two…_

"_You knew?" That Sirius could still talk at this point was no small wonder, and how long could this go on before he exploded?_

"_I hoped…"_

_**Hallelujah**_

"Sirius?"

There he was. Remus fucking Lupin. Speak of the devil.

"Hey, I was in, so I thought I'd say hello."

"Hello," Sirius whispered.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Just, you know, reminiscing. Thinking about how much I used to know you, how I could predict anything about you. Back in the day, as the saying goes. I guess things change, eh?"

It was hard to tell in this wretched January gloom, but some of the color seemed to disappear out of Remus's face. "Sirius, I-"

"You know I could predict exactly what it would be like to kiss you? And when it happened, I was totally right. Except it was somehow even better. It was just-"

"Stop." Remus's voice was gruff, filled with old, long-hidden pain. "Just stop, Sirius."

_**Hallelujah **_

A silence rang out between them, not the trembling, lust-filled silence of that long-ago September evening, but one of a completely different nature. This one reeked of conflicts never resolved and years of things unsaid and now unsayable.

Remus opened his mouth as if to say something, then seemed to change his mind. Then he said in a brittle voice:

"Well, I'll see you later then."

And then he left.

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his teeth and like before, he realized too late that he'd gotten in way too deep. 'Don't think about it, don't think about it, don't think about it' had never helped him back then, and it sure as hell wouldn't help him now.

_**Hallelujah…**_

AN (again): So yeah, see what I mean about it being convoluted? Oh well. So, there, RL4SBnotNT, you got your kiss. Probably wasn't as fluffy as you'd wanted it… I kind of hate myself for ruining the sweet first kiss with angst. Blah. Thanks again for all the reviews, and please gimme more! (I sound like Britney Spears…) Wow I talk a lot. I'll shut up now.


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